The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
