Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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