I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
