listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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