Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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