toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
