if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
