So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
