I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
