I need to stop coming to work sober
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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