me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
