i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
