The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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