Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
