the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I love you.
Bad choice
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
