I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
