We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
