Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
