I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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