Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
