We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
