what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
