So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
