I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
