We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
