When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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