I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
