he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
