My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Randomize
