he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
