he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I wish there were birth control emojis
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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