People with herpes should wear stickers.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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