So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
