They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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