she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
