If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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