3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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