i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
