idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
