Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize