Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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