Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
