Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize