wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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