im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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