No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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