Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
