I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
