you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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