why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
