i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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