I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
