my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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