If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
two words: eviction party
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
