I cannot find my penis.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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