We named our party play list daddy issues
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
