Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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