I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
