I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
