i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
